African survival kit

In South Africa, Easter is the annual population culling season with the highest road death toll of the year. Still, the author loves driving. Coming from Stellenbosch in sunny South Africa, which of course as we all know is on another planet according to the USCIS, previously known as the US INS and entirely unrelated to either the US CIA or the US NSA for all we know, the author has an African survival kit.

The survival kit includes dealing with lions on the front porch, in the backyard and along the sidewalks amongst other distractions from a daily live in suburbia Africa. Add to that the odd corruption scandal; rampant rape; diseases the names of which the South African Minister of Health cannot even spell; an assortment of burglaries; assault with various levels of aggravating circumstances; gun violence at number two after Columbia; lovely weather during working hours; beautiful beaches within 20 minutes from campus; warm, friendly social habits with lots of beer, barbecue and roughly 10000 deaths on the road per year.

The roads - great roads, I must add - are in a reasonable state of repair and the best system of its kind in Africa by a long shot - comparable to that in Australia, not that they would agree. At least the Brits did leave us something for all the gold and diamonds they so callously had stolen from the poor Africans. The horrible, Afrikaans, white government that followed the previous, horrible, English, white government did their bit quite handsomely in keeping and expanding the road network. The current, goodie, black government is busy. Uhm, I am not sure with what, but they are busy and they are spending money, so I guess they are doing something. There were rumours that some of the $90billion total state budget will go to roads this year. Jolly good, I say, for some of these roads are of the best for what roads are for: driving.

We have a speed limit of 120km/h (75mph) on our freeways. The secondary roads have a limit of between 80km/h (50mph) and 120km/h depending upon how the local council felt the day of the decision and how well the road worker that erected the sign could read at the time of erection. Towns are down to 60km/h (35mph).

We like to drive fast - faster than the speed limit, regardless of the speed limit. We do not like limits. A few can afford really good German and Japanese cars and they drive even faster. But most drive rather old and more mundane things, which they would have liked to be faster. So these things are made to look the part without really having what it takes. Never the owners know, who just drive these things as if they were as fast and furious as any old Ferrari F50. The result is a rather unfortunate road accident figure. But as they say in our ancestral France, c'est la vie.

South Africans do not generally drive very well, I am afraid. Sure, we do not lack in spirit - the veggie class does rarely emerge on a South African road and only at its own peril. But the madmen clans are perpetually in a dual over tar turf. Their fighting arsenal can be quite daunting - bling wheels that cost more than the actual car sitting on top; a tail pipe the size of a SAM-7 launcher with the roar of St Paul's pipe organ during "Onwards Christians". The whole thing - typically a 10 year old Nissan or Ford - growls menacingly, ready to gallop on the Fourth Crusade to eternal glory a few blocks further down the duly harassed local neighbourhood.

Those of better class storm forth in fury in their bulging SUV's. Yes, South Africa has fallen for the SUV. We started years ago with the luxury, double-cab 4WD pickup truck. You know, the type that never puts a tyre off the tar. Now every end of the year, the coastal holiday towns are blocked with X5's and M500's.

Everything travels at great speed, passes precariously on two-way roads and demands to pass with the most aggressive tail-gate detent that side of the pond.

Oh, I just love my country. To survive living there, one just goes for a nice, fast drive. Speed is a fundamental freedom. Live free or die.